The TDCJ, The FBI and The CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. So the president releases a rabbit into the forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in first, They place animal informants throughout the forest.They question all the plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude the Rabbit does not exist.
The FBI go into the forest next, after 2 weeks with no leads they burn down the forest, Killing everything in it, including the Rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming to him, they say.
The TDCJ goes in. Two hours later they emerge from the forest with a badly beaten bear yelling " Okay Okay , I give up "I'm a rabbit" I'm a Rabbit"
The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?" One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful. "I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" The warden asked. Replied the spokesman, "FrenchToast..."
Things that Prison Guards hate...
1) Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.
2) Inmates who look like the sperm used to conceive them was 100% steroids.
3) Coming up with one too many during a head count.
4) Having to break up a fight in the shower.
5) Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.
6) Recognizing the newest inmate as your proctologist.
7) The fact that inmates get more cable channels than you do at home.
8) Having a new neighbour move in next door who looks way too familiar.
9) Being on a first-name basis with a serial sex offender.
10) Finding a hole in your glove after completing a body cavity search.
11) Learning that your mother just announced her engagement to #93A44274.
Serving Your Full Term
One fellow sent to prison wasn't worried at all about serving his full term. When asked why, he said his wife had never let him finish a sentence the whole time they've been married.
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "I have decided to plant some vegetables in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter, "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You won't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the vegetables."
It is Fred's first day in prison
After spending the morning being processed, he is taken to the huge mess hall for lunch. He finds a seat at a table full of inmates who look like they have been behind bars for years. Suddenly, an inmate stands in the middle of the room and yells, "41!" As he sits down, the room erupts in laughter. Then another prisoner stands and yells, "123!" Again, there is laughter throughout the room. Puzzled, Fred asks the inmate sitting next to him what's going on. "Well," the older inmate says, "Most of us have been here so long that we have heard all the jokes. So we just number them and use the number." Fred says, "I love to tell jokes! Give me one." "Okay," says the older inmate. "Everybody loves old 72. It always gets a big laugh" Fred stands up, waits for the laughter to die down from the last joke, and yells, "72!" There is nothing but silence as hundreds of inmates just turn and stare at him. Fred sits down and looks at the inmate who gave him the number. "What happened?" he asks. The older man shrugs and says, "Some people just can't tell a joke."
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
Better prison foods
Subject: You Deserve a Break Today
San Francisco (UPI)--In what legal observers are already calling a landmark decision in the case of Jackson v. California, the California Supreme Court has recognized for the first time a constitutional right to chicken done right. The high court held that under the the due process clause and the constitutional prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment, Joseph Jackson, a prisoner at the California Men's Correctional Institue at Camarillo, is entitled to food "of fair average quality," or "comparable to the fare at a modest restaurant or fast-food chain." Mr. Jackson had complained of the poor quality of the prison kitchen's Coq au Vin ....
Prison Cell Graffiti
For a good time, hire a hooker, For a lot of time, hire my attorney.
--Anonymous Prison Cell Graffiti
Fresh From Jail
While escaped, a convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!".
There were these three Texans and they were going to Mexico to get drunk. Well they go there get drunk and pass out they wake up the next morning in jail. They ask the guards what they are in for. The guard says the only thing he knows is that they were to be executed for their crimes. Well the day comes and the first guy gets strapped to the electric chair. The guard asks if he has any last words. The guy says " I'm from Baylor University and I believe in the almighty power of god to prevail on the innocent." The guard flips the switch and nothing happens so they let him go.
The next guy gets strapped in and the guard asks for his last words. He says " I'm from Texas Tech and I believe in the almighty power of justice to prevail on the innocent." The guard flips the switch and nothing happens so they let him go. The next guy is brought in and he says " I'm a Texas Aggie Electrical engineer and I tell you you'll never electrocute no one if you don't connect those two wires."
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills?
OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
A guy in prison receives a letter from his mother:
- Dear sonny,
I miss you badly.
Also I need to dig the garden over, but I'm so old and powerless.
- Dear mom,
When you dig the garden over, you'll find my machine-gun, please oil it and hide somewhere on the attic.
- Dear sonny,
I thank you from all my heart.
There came three men, and dug our garden all over!
[mail from prisons is said to be censured.]
Death row in women's prison
Three women are about to be executed.
One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!'''
A prison duke announces:
- Today I will sleep with girls Johnny and Andy.
- Andy is out of this!
He ate some unripe pears and he's on his period!
Request before death
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
Make a last request
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
Don't arrest the judge
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Irish Mike...."
'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."
Three convicts were on the way to prison.
They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.
The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled, saying, "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What on earth can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating?"
The Warden, Assistant Warden and a Captain were
sitting in a suana, buck naked, discussing their unit when they hear
"What is that noise?", asked the Warden.
"Oh, that is my beeper going off.", explains the Captain as he looks
at his upper arm. "I had my beeper installed in my forearm with a
microchip so I can get my messages easily."
They keep talking and all of sudden a telephone starts ringing.
The Assistant Warden quickly puts the palm of his hand to his ear and
explains. "Sorry for the call, I had my cell phone implanted in my
hand with a microchip just the other day."
Now the Warden is feeling pretty stupid because he didn't know you
could have this kind of stuff done.
He excuses himself and leave the sauna for about 5 minutes.
The next thing you know, the Warden comes strolling back into the
sauna with a piece of toilet paper hanging out of his butt.
"What the hell is that paper stuck in your butt for?", exclaims the
"Oh, that. Not a problem ...I'm getting a FAX from my office!"